lili's footnotes ♡

 I forgot the purpose of this blog was to swap Twitter. In that silly bird app where I used to feed the void of about two-hundred followers spam of text that doesn't make sense, but which I considered funny, I wasted hours, but it felt comforting. And funny. I love that bird app, though if I were to live a better life as some say one should, I'd have to find alternative ways of coping. For a while, I thought I could never get around things without Twitter. Instagram worked for a while, but soon, I became too annoyed at myself for oversharing with my face as the backdrop on the screen. Even without my face, talking about my thoughts on that camera app felt too open. I realized I'd prefer oversharing with text and text alone. Photos just make things more real than they are (i.e. thoughts). Thoughts are only best in theory, well, sometimes there may be benefits to actualizing, but in my case, most of the time it really is otherwise. It is 11:44 p.m. and I decided to sleep abou...

Holding up a toothbrush in one hand and a glass of soymilk in the other reminds me of that one night in Malaysia. There were no teaspoons, though teacups, hot water, and packets of Milo were available. With three toothbrushes on the table, we had makeshift teaspoons. They were sanitary, being packed in wrappers of plastic.       It's not every night I get to dance in the apartment. I used to never even dance in apartments. There weren't any apartments to dance in, but back home there was also no space to move around. I mean there was, but not that much to really look silly. We have windows that overlook windows from the buildings across the street. Imagine how Amsterdam's buildings are. That, minus the colors. And there's moss everywhere. I feel like it's less romantic given the clothes being hung outside their windows. Though, it is a step closer to Pinterest architecture. They look pleasing during the day, in the night they look okay. Each window light isn't e...

when I started to feel somewhat better. 

As the neighborhood's last flicker came to nigh, the walking stood still, the breathing spoke not a single syllable. Before it came to this, a loud gasp echoed door to door, consuming the oblivious. There it was as the oblivious saw it, having its world shaken down to a halt; everything there was at present, only sucked through a silent expanse of dark and grey. I found its grief questionable as to think I loved the wide expanse of dark. I felt alive with it, as though I could finally be at present with every part of my body: my senses, my emotions, myself; I am aware of everything at once, but I am at ease. There is no wave of strength creating a collision towards my weaknesses, there is no noise interrupting the pleasing sound of tranquility. I feel as though I have found myself back, I know myself now, only now—the flick has now turned towards my negativity, the positivity of the oblivious, and now I am spiraling back down again to that dark expanse of black and grey, and every ...