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Holding up a toothbrush in one hand and a glass of soymilk in the other reminds me of that one night in Malaysia. There were no teaspoons, though teacups, hot water, and packets of Milo were available. With three toothbrushes on the table, we had makeshift teaspoons. They were sanitary, being packed in wrappers of plastic. 

    It's not every night I get to dance in the apartment. I used to never even dance in apartments. There weren't any apartments to dance in, but back home there was also no space to move around. I mean there was, but not that much to really look silly. We have windows that overlook windows from the buildings across the street. Imagine how Amsterdam's buildings are. That, minus the colors. And there's moss everywhere. I feel like it's less romantic given the clothes being hung outside their windows. Though, it is a step closer to Pinterest architecture. They look pleasing during the day, in the night they look okay. Each window light isn't exactly as colorful as you would find on Pinterest with the greens and the blues and the oranges and the yellows and the reds. They are all mostly white and yellow. What makes it different, though, are their interiors. Some have colorful interiors, but that isn't really obvious looking from afar, especially with eyes that aren't 20/20 vision.

Anyway, it is December. Time flies so fast. Back in July, I used to wish I'd be more active on my blog. I did succeed in posting once in September, but I initially wanted to post the July update. I had all things planned out in July, and I was quite encouraged to fulfill them still by August. When September came, the blues also tagged along. I began yearning for my hometown where my grandparents were. Not so much my hometown, really, more of the moments spent with Nanay when she would listen to songs on the radio, or with Tatay when he would watch movies on television. I can vividly recall the overlapping noise of dog barks, motorbikes screeching through the main road, neighbors yelling at one another, as well as family members of my own, and electronic devices simultaneously playing at full volume, fighting for whoever gets more attention either to be turned off eventually or kept on and the others disregarded to continue playing. I used to think homesickness was impossible in a household you'd dread so much being in, but the distance does make things seem better than they are. I don't miss the auditory pollution or the tiny space. However, I quite miss the people. Of course, there are still certain aspects I dislike about them, as with all things, but I guess as long as I can get ahold of good memories, it means I genuinely had moments enjoyed together being with them. Thus, I like them. It really may seem funny to weigh the pros and cons of family, but it is like that sometimes. If you can't find a con in your family, then it's either you're in a healthy family environment, or you are too young to know you are on the contrary. 

I'd once thought about my future in twelfth grade and how I might not go on for long given the immense burnout I had experienced previously. Glad things worked out somehow. It makes me sad how I didn't get to do the monthly updates as I initially intended to do while staying here. It really would have been so nice to do. Partly though, I think it would have done something to my ego, which I wouldn't like. We're back to ego again. I believe it was in August that I dove into the topic very closely. Not that close, but since I'd read Catcher in the Rye and Franny and Zooey in the same month, I suppose JD Salinger's scrutiny on the subject is close enough. I've read no articles about it though. Perhaps I have, but it was around July, or June... I'm unsure of the particulars. I just know I hated myself in June for too much public appearances on social media, so after some time, I'd wished to get out of the limelight and I searched how to get rid of ego, or maybe how to lessen it. My self-awareness made me want to get rid of all the ego inside me, reeking horribly. It was my Anti-Hero moment. Honestly. I don't want to feel entitled, but I am claiming that I've experienced Taylor's top Midnights track more deeply than others.

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism / Like some kind of congressman?

Me. Me. Me. That was so me during school election season. I get that she used a simile to compare herself to a congressman and that she's not actually running to be in a position of leadership, but I'm just saying; I relate to the track more than all others. Though, I'm not dismissing their experiences. I literally don't know their own experiences. They can claim the same statement I'm claiming, I don't really mind. People can claim things as much as they want, it's only then if someone wants to voice out their contradictions when an argument is established. All I'm expressing is that back in May, I had all the ego the world could offer. Having to fit in a main character's shoes for a play, running as a student council candidate, all the while writing for the school paper? So much work, so much exposure, so much ego. I remember once typing on the Google search bar, "How to be down to earth," because I looked back at how people complimented me for being a down-to-earth person, only to view myself at that moment as the most self-centered, selfish, arrogant version of myself to ever live, and how my past friends would be disappointed to know of what became of me. Whether my self-perception was true or not, we'll never know. Sometimes a person could think of themselves badly in extremities, despite it being untrue.

It's 3:21 a.m. I should have been using the time to sleep, or at least write some essays for college. I'm trying to apply to international colleges, you see. It's quite hard because I'd need a lot more documents, and I'm so clueless. You may see me as ambitious with the past sentences you've just read, and I am, but also I'm mainly applying outside because apparently, the trajectory of my life has changed since being here and my mother being employed at a different school which pays more. Now we can afford a more expensive school outside of the country, and she no longer cries about how I'm letting opportunities pass me by whenever I fail (either through forgetfulness or lack of motivation) to apply for a scholarship grant. Well, she does still have these emotions about such things, but now it's a bit more stable since she's quite assured with her job. 

There's so much to say and catch up on, really. Perhaps I'd write more this month. I truly wish I could. The past month has been very quick. So many events, so many posts shared, so many things to do. I've been watching more movies this year is what I can tell from my Letterboxd diary. That's nice. I've read a lot more this year too! I wish I would read more. 2022 isn't over yet though, so I might finish 3 books this month, making it 13 books finished overall? That's already amazing for me :>

Recent favorite artists are: Beabadoobee, The 1975, TV Girl, Fiona Apple, Margo Guryan. This isn't based on Spotify, just on who I remember liking a lot more since last month. Some are quite new, but it still is accurate. I might hopefully post updates for all months since July before January begins. That would mean having to focus on the goal this December. I still have so many goals though, but I guess we'll have to assess things better this month.